Tuesday 18 October 2011

Supermodel Thought Book was Cigarette



A leading supermodel has been photographed holding a paperback book according to a fashion industry insider.  Several tabloid newspapers are said to be in close negotiations with the photographer and the images may be published across the world’s media within hours. “She is not reading the book,” said the source, “but holding it.”  There are also images of the model trying to ‘light’ the book with a box of matches. “She may have thought it was some kind of cigarette,” said the insider. “At first she tried to smoke it.” The images will be the first time a leading model has been seen holding a book. “This could be very damaging for the model’s career,” said the insider. “And as she wasn’t actually reading the book. She was just holding it for a friend.” The images are said to be especially troubling as the book is not a picture book. It is one of those books that is made up of white pages with words. 

Friday 14 October 2011

Conservative Minister Questioned over Benefit Claim



A Conservative Government Minister is being questioned by police over allegations that he has been claiming unemployment benefit and attempting to receive housing benefit. The Minister who is believed to only be a Junior Minister is alleged to have filled out the relevant paperwork and may already have received several hundred pounds in benefits. The Minister has been seen in his constituency Starbucks, spending hours on free wifi whilst drinking just one small coffee. He has also been seen wandering in and out of local charity shops and attempting to travel for free on the bus saying that he would charge up his Oyster Card once he got to the underground station. Ministers are subject to strict laws regarding conflict of interests and are not supposed to be actively seeking unemployment or using their role in Government to seek personal profit. Its understood the Minister could be eligible for up to £50 a week in work related benefits and maybe up to £110 in housing benefits. "Snouts in the trough," said an opposition spokesperson. "These Tory scum have no shame."


Wednesday 12 October 2011

Leading British MP 'outed' as Heterosexual



A leading British Conservative MP and Minister was ‘outed’ this week by the country’s newspapers who insisted that he was heterosexual. The media interviewed a former close friend of the politician who went on a recent holiday to Spain with the Minister and his wife “The couple were clearly very much in love,” said the friend. “They were very tactile and at night, and even in the afternoon, I could hear the frenzied sounds of love-making coming from their room.” An insider denied that previous revelations – that the minister employed a young male assistant who regularly slept in the politician’s grace and favour apartment, were part of a crude smokescreen to make the politician ‘appear homosexual’. “No this guy really is heterosexual,” the former close friend said, “his wife isn’t just someone he met at Cambridge who helps him maintain the illusion of being gay. They really are a hetero couple. I was shocked.”



Tuesday 11 October 2011

Airline says First Class Passengers can sleep with Cabin Staff in Crash



Two leading airlines are poised to announce that first class passengers will be able to sleep with a member of cabin staff in the event of a crash. The new measure is the first of a raft of offers designed to boost falling numbers of first class bookings. According to airline news sources, the measures will mean that in the event of a life-threatening crash first-class passengers will be able to choose a member of cabin staff to have sex with.  Its thought that cabin staff were initially resistant to the measures but changed their minds when a large payout was guaranteed to their surviving family members. Economy class passengers will be allowed to help themselves to as many drinks and snacks as they want in the event of a major systems failure that is likely to end in a death said airline industry spokesperson. 

Wednesday 5 October 2011

Donut Sized hole Found in Global Economy



  
A hole the size of donut has been found in the centre of the global economy according to researchers at a German university. The economics PHD students at Leipzig College in Belsen said that after three years of intensive research they had discovered a hole the size of a donut in the centre of the global economic and banking system. “And it is this hole that is not so much the cause but the effect of the world’s banking problems,” said the team’s representative, Dr Klaus Florian. European leaders need to work together to fill the hole said Dr Florian. “Then the problems will be fixed,” he said. “It is not right that the global economy looks like a donut. This is the wrong shape for business and growth.” 

Tuesday 4 October 2011

Hitler Says Greek Debt Is Serious Global Issue


The Greek debt crisis is a serious global issue said former German leader Adolf Hitler speaking at the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester today. A source said Hitler addressed delegates at a secret meeting. "We must do something about the Greeks," said Hitler. "They will take the whole of Europe down with them. It is time for action." The Former leader of Germany, France, Poland, Czechoslavakia and several other European countries - including Greece - said the current situation would not have happened in the past. "Not on my watch," said Hitler. His remarks were greeted positively by the delegates. Its alleged a  Conservative Minister personally thanked the former French leader for his remarks and reminded Conservatives of Hitler's record on gay and human rights.